"Lost" succumbs, at last, to its name

** SPOILERS FOR SEASON 6 FINALE **

 

Lost has always been a show clinging on by its fingernails. The dramatic and thrilling commencement back in 2004 gave birth to statements like “the television event of the decade”. And Season 1 did live up to that on numerous occasions. The eeriness of the Island and the slow, methodic unfolding of the character backstories that tantalisingly hinted at being interwoven.

That was then.

From the Season 3 drudgery of Sawyer and Kate’s captivity in the polar bear cages to the descent into outright sci-fi with the arrival of time travel in season 4 & 5, Lost appeared to be sacrificing its sense to its name. And those of us who watched held out ever scanter hope that the writers had a plan, that their mindgames had reason. And that every bizarro event, Dharma-tattooed shark and giant stone statue would be explained by the end of Season 6.

Now, before I proceed let’s remind ourselves of something here: these bastards had the better part of 3 years to plan this ending. It didn’t sneak up on them like the unsuspecting Chris Carter hurtling down a tunnel full of super soldiers and black oil. Smug and self-congratulatory, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse hammered away at their typewriters for over 1000 days before delivering the Season 6 finale to the US last week. Keep that in mind.

What they managed to deliver after those 1000 days was, basically, bullshit. I can’t really think of any other adjective more apt. What it lacked in resolving of the many Lost mysteries it utterly failed to deliver in any other way. It’s shocking ending was only shocking in the scale of the squander it represented. With all that budget and endless sun-drenched Hawaiian beaches and, one presumes, all the latitude anyone could ever ask for, all they could come up with was some pathetically lame quasi-religious message. They went into the light. They loved each other, and that’s all that mattered. Sorry, it’s getting hard to type on a keyboard covered in vomit.

When Ronald D. Moore ended Battlestar Galactica last year with a deux ex machina, he at least delivered *most* of the answers the show had posed in its four seasons. Yes, there were lots of things left hanging and he showed himself to be guilty of a certain amount of sloppiness in planning that show, but it was an emotive and action-packed conclusion. It made you want to rush right out and start watching from the start again.

Lost, by contrast, made me want to buy the DVD box set and use it as fuel to the fire of the stakes Lindelof and Cuse should be bound to.

The web is full of tedious attempts to try and make sense of the ending and explain how it is either (a) really beautiful and emotional, and therefore did us a service by leaving basically everything unexplained or (b) how it explained everything, provided you’re willing to accept 65 pages of invented bridging story. Well, neither of those is acceptable to someone who appreciates good storytelling. Leaving things unexplained is fine provided that lack of explanation somehow enhances the emotional or intellectual impact of the ending.

Simply not explaining stuff because you either forgot about it, it was too much of a muddle or you chose to focus on “the characters” are not good reasons. They are the lynching kind of reasons, in fact.

So what, in short, was the story of Lost. According to the show and to the desperate fans who are trying to prevent themselves committing murder or suicide, it’s this:

A bunch of people crash on a weird Island. They start hearing weird shit which eventually turns out to be a monster made of smoke. The monster’s brother, Jacob, brought all these people to the Island on purpose (amazingly working it out they only they lived when their plane crashed). But the smoke monster is even smarter than his brother as it turns out, because he has someone knock him off. So now he can leave the Island by getting one of these hapless folk to destroy the Island. In the end, he loses, is killed, and some of the hapless survive and some die. As they die they hang out in a parallel reality in which they live out an idealised version of their lives which helps them to move on.

As a story, maybe that’s ok, maybe that’s as compelling as the instructions on the back of a packet of fast-bonding adhesive. Sadly it portrays a far more coherent and clear story than what we were dished up.

What we were dished included the Dharma initiative, Charles Widmore, the “Others”, a huge four-footed statue in the ocean, an Island which was “the cork” keeping in “the wine”, “EM” energy, time travel, teleportation of Locke’s father, Benjamin Linus in the Algerian desert – and well, fuck it, at least 400 other individual items begging for cohesion and a place in the story.

To say none of this was explained would be unfair. It would also be so close to the truth that you’d forgive me that unfairness. To sit here the day after seeing the Lost finale and be in a position to shed light (if you’ll bear the pun) on almost none of these mysteries is an unforgivable failure on the part of the writers and showrunners. 

So, a note to any future writers: when you finish off your masterpiece, 6-season, high-budget serial we actually expect you to answer all the major questions. Don’t have Cara Thrace vanish into thin air because you couldn’t think of how else to get rid of her. Don’t send Jack into the bat cave to put the “cork” back into the “wine decanter” and then have him appear on a rock outside and die without explaining either the wine, the decanter, the light, the water, Jack or the cave. We’re not watching your show because we care about your fucken characters. We’re watching it because we want to know how a 400 foot statue, a smoke monster and an Island that heals paraplegics makes any sense. And if you can’t work that out then perhaps your talents are better used in advertising (which is all about asking leading, impossible to answer questions) and not TV dramas.

 

The Digital Edge Live: Afterthoughts

Whew. That about sums it up. And thanks, to all the people who helped us make this event possible on Friday.

The Digital Edge: Live was an idea I had sometime last year after the podcast show had started doing well and I was wondering how to take the concept further. The original idea had two components: a live paid-for show and an in-house corporate version, which we trialled at FNB thanks to Andy Hadfield. That was a considering less ambitious project than our Friday show, but it showed me at least that the format had some merit.

The fundamental idea here was to have a "talk show" style conference where instead of labouring under hours of powerpoint presentations we'd get some industry gurus on stage and just shoot the breeze for a while. Inbetween we'd spice things up with audio visual bits and pieces. I decided to have a live band involved to really lift the thing away from the boring conferences I've attended in the past.

I guess the show reflects my own hyperactive nature, and in some respects we didn't entirely satisfy it on Friday. Some bits ran too long and there definitely wasn't enough video and supporting audio content (especially when our hapless AV technician who we'd briefed at the last minute screwed up the order of the audio files).

Still the overall feedback I've received and seen has been encouraging. And my personal highlight was having Pete Case from Gloo, Rob Stokes from Quirk and Ben Wagner from Stonewall+ up on stage together, batting ideas around about the digital industry. For me that represents a fundamentally different character to our industry that I've been hammering on about ever since Geek Retreat in January: the opportunity to collaborate and work together to make this industry better than it is today. I'm not saying this show will achieve that, that's not what it was about, but it's another indicator that we can rise above the competitive drive which is a sign of maturity that has been sorely missing I think.

We're vaguely planning another one, probably in Joburg, late in 2010 and then hopefully will be back in Cape Town in 2011. Or maybe we'll change our minds about all of that. But if you were there, I hope you had fun and got some value. And if you weren't I hope you can join us in the future -- I'll guarantee a quieter band next time, and it'll all be a lot slicker.

Thanks again to Pamela Tosh whose events and PR business made a lot of the event possible. And to my co-host Saul for the huge amount of work he put into everything. He also went off to produce the weekly show immediately afterwards. And to McCree the loud but brilliant band who made this event something else altogether. And to Dave Duarte and his Huddlemind peeps for helping evangelise and putting his not inconsiderable reputation on the line with us.

And then to my fellow Cambrians, especially my partners, who put up with me being away, and all the time and money it takes to keep the show going and to put on an event like this. Cambrient is in the business of building large internet applications, content management, websites, mobi sites and so on. For us this show is something we do on the side with as much integrity as possible but it's obviously not our core business -- so thanks to everyone in Cambrientland for helping me to realise this vision.

And now back to work!

PS: Will post photos and stuff when they are available later in the week.

What is Customer Service, really?

I am a painful customer. I’ll admit that right up-front. I’m the kind of customer you don’t want because I can be a bastard when I don’t get what I expect. And my standards are probably ridiculous and I can be rude and unkind, lo, even cruel on occasion. I have made people cry. Let’s just get all that out of the way.

I also deal with a lot of customers in my job – and some of them have almost made me cry. So it’s karma, but in which direction I’m not exactly clear.

In my many, many clashes with an equally large number of call centre agents, support desk engineers, escalation managers, duty managers and other euphemistically anointed, outsourced-to-bangalore personnel, I have learned a few things. I’ve also learned a few things from the horrible experiences I have put our customers through on occasion. So I am writing this in a bizarre state of self-righteousness and contrition, which is more of a suffering than it may seem at first glance.

1.       The humanity!

Listen Amachandirjan (or, “Bob” as you have introduced yourself on this call) I know your manager has told you that you’re supposed to say shit like “How are you today, sir?” and “Is there anything else I can assist you with today, sir?” but guess what, humans (that would be me) do not respond to such patently insincere platitudes. In fact, when I’ve just finished a 45 minute rant about how my software product is failing to do the main thing I purchased it to do, my expectation is that you will at least have the decency to break down a little, whimper, that kind of thing. Reading the “Section VII: Wrapping Up A Call” portion of your cheap, orange, plastic ring binder is  (I think) permission to ignore the Geneva Convention, if you know what I mean.

Amazingly even although I have been as close to suicide bombing as I could probably get whilst dealing with a support agent I would have been pacified by a little humanity.

2.       ….but not too much humanity

If there’s anything I’ve learned in my life in a services business it’s that people don’t want to hear about your problems when they’re paying you good money to solve theirs. The fact that you’ve been on shift a long time, or that your company’s policies are pretty stupid or that you’re as frustrated as I am (sir) is not relevant. Your pain is no comfort to me for the simple reason that it makes me feel even more helpless than I did before I called. If you, who work for the Dark Empire cannot reason with the Dark Lord, what chance do I have?

Your job is to make me feel like you’ve got it under control. At least. Take my problems away, not help me to understand that I’m well and truly fucked.

3.        Call Me Back

And let me know what’s going on. How hard is this? Apparently, very.

I know from my own experiences there are three reasons why someone who says they’re going to call you back doesn’t, in fact, do what they have promised. One, because they’re wankerous bastards who are incompetent and would find it difficult to separate a pile of bricks into two piles of bricks. These are, I think, the smallest group.

Two, because they’re so busy and their support team is so woefully understaffed that they have no time for anything, ever. This is, of course, not exactly their fault, but refer back to point 2: there’s nothing I can do to help them out in this situation. My advice (which I take where I can) is find a way to bypass the call centre in these cases and plead my case to someone with shares in the company, or (at least) a suit made from something other than polyester.

Third, because they don’t want to have to call me back and tell me the horrible news that someone has screwed something up so spectacularly it made the Challenger disaster look like a plate of pink muffins. I personally believe this is the more prevalent of the cases. Who wants to be the messenger that ends up being shot?

No matter what, I want to know what’s going on. I might not be happy about it, I might shout, I might use my expensive post-graduate Arts degree to come up with inventive new insults and creative metaphors which amuse me and the unfortunate souls who sit near my desk, but the truth is I’ll calm down. And I’ll say “Thank you for letting me know”. Because people with problems appreciate an update. They want to know what’s going on, how long their problem is going to be a problem. And that someone is trying to sort it out.

4.       Don’t blame me

It’s so tedious to have to include clichés in this post. I’d far rather write some witty, engaging prose, something to really test my writing muscle. But you’ve forced me into it. So, then. You know that old thing about the customer being right.

Usually the call centre, front-line people know this. Or aren’t smart enough to try something else. When you finally get the “engineer” or the “manager” on the line, though, this sort of thing starts to happen. It’s your fault because you didn’t sign up for the service that actually works. Or you ticked some contractual box that let’s them off the hook. Or we never said our product actually connects you to the Internet, for that it’s extra.

I’m not saying you need to accept abuse from customers, and I should probably get pushed back at from time to time when I’m just being a cantankerous swine. But to a very large extent being RIGHT and giving GOOD SERVICE are not compatible. In service being right is secondary.

That’s hard to accept, but it’s true. I don’t pay you to be right, I pay you to help me.

5.       Stop apologising

..to calm me down. Or for any other reason. A big Telco in South Africa seem to have trained their staff to do nothing other than say they’re sorry. They sound sincere, I’ll grant that. They sound so sorry in fact it makes me want to pat them on the head and feed them a biscuit. But I’m not phoning to be placated. I want IT to be FIXED. Or at least I want you to try and fix it. If you can’t fix it, tell me you know someone who can. If you don’t know someone who can, tell me you’ll try find them. If you have no idea what to do, tell me you’ll think it over and call me back (and then refer to point 3). And then go off and find someone smarter than you are, give them a blowjob or a handjob or whatever or threaten to snip off their ring finger with a pair of garden shears. But your apology means nothing to me. Less than nothing.

I’m sure there are many more tips one could provide, and as I’ve said, I take these as much as I give them. My clients may feel the same way as I do at times. Although I do think I at least TRY..and perhaps that’s the most important piece of advice to any company or employee who is involved in service. Just TRY ok? Sincerely, give it a shot for me, go into battle for me and I’m there. I know it’s tough, and we all made mistakes all the time, but in service you get points for effort. That’s the good news, because putting in effort is not hard, it’s just a bit emotionally draining at times. This I understand. You don’t like?

Who you gonna complain to?

The Heart of the Geek

Over the past 48 hours I have had the peculiar experience of surprising myself, my wife, my colleagues and Saul Kropman. Why? Because contrary to my rather vocal expositions beforehand, and the dread (yes, dread) I felt driving toward Stanford Valley on Friday last week, the second Geek Retreat not only exceeded my expectations but it delivered blows to my mind by the dozen.

Anyone who heard my co-coverage of the first Geek Retreat on The Digital Edge will know that I left feeling underwhelmed. I found the discussions aimless and the goals vague; the participants seemed to be drawn from a tiny sub-set of the digital industry, itself already a tiny sub-set of the general business population. I questioned whether anything would actually come of the many lofty proposals, and my particular session (on my proposed Africa Binary wiki) was spent mired in naysaying and points of process.

With bridges burned, so I imagined, and a vow not to subject myself to (in the inestimable words of a close colleague) any further “wankery”, I felt disembodied applying to attend the next one, agreeing to some low-level assistance and then going through the motions of arranging my travel plans. I put it down to showing my face and perhaps bumping into some networking opportunities. For the rest I planned to drag myself through, and resort to cheap wine whenever even the dragging became too much to achieve.

Stanford Valley is a short drive out of Hermanus in the Western Cape. Nestled in the mountains (well, it is a valley after all) it is a small conference centre built in Cape Dutch style, with sharp white walls gleaming against a dark, craggy backdrop. I arrived late (I blame a crowd of wandering geeks for extending my quick lunch in Hermanus into something altogether more involved) and rushed in to find a familiar kind of ‘teambuilding’ setup: flipcharts, data projector, crappy chairs, battered tables. The complimentary pen and exam pad were, gracefully, omitted.

But then over the next day or so a peculiar thing happened. A kind of trust seemed to settle into everyone. The usual marketing bullshit dissipated. The need to self-aggrandise skulked off into the corner, and was replaced by a genuine desire to make meaningful connections. Competitors shared stories and frustrations. People spoke when they had something to say, not when they felt they needed to be noticed.

This quickly starts to sound very touchy-feely and fuzzy, as though informed by the imbibing of too much tequila. But anyone who knows me knows I’m not that person. I don’t bond when I’m drunk, and I hate groups. Which leads me to conclude that I responded to the one thing I never imagined I’d find at a Geek Retreat: sincerity.

Heather Ford, whose brain this retreat is the child of, said “The people who are here are meant to be here”. I dismissed this as a platitude, but I now wonder if that’s not just exactly correct. In this immersive, intense, demanding, intriguing and – at times – frivolous space, I feel like the best parts of us were called out. And to say this about people who, in some cases, I might have set my pet scorpion on a day or two before means something big must have happened.

The content and proceedings will, no doubt, be covered in some depth elsewhere. Suffice to say I met at least 20 people from whom I learnt at least one important thing. I saw a possibility for collaboration in a way I had never before imagined. And I was stunned by how smart some people are in at least 3 cases.

The retreat made me question not only some parts of my business strategy and my career path, but also my attitudes at a fundamental level. I have not undergone a religious conversion (as some have joked) but instead I have experimented with using friendship as a way to interact with my competitors rather than defensiveness and egotism. It’s an utterly bizarre turn of events that has left me reeling, and who knows, I may come to regret it or change my mind. But I wonder this one thing most of all: if I treat those I have previously snarled at as friends first, and competition second, what will that do? If I let go of the notion that them getting is me losing, will something even better emerge?

At the risk of getting overdoing this I will leave it there. I have no idea if this kind of thing can be recreated at another Geek Retreat. Whether anything tangible emerges, whether we change anything is unpredictable and anyway irrelevant. Some experiences are enough in themselves.

I want to say a particular thanks to Marlon Parker for being a true example of a selfless humanitarian who makes just about everyone else I know seem ineffectual. In a world of reasons not to, he has challenged the inevitability of poverty and addiction and won, at least some of the time.

Oh and Willem van Straaten you are fucken crazy. Seriously.

For a full rundown of the retreat and interviews with some of the attendees, be sure and catch The Digital Edge episode 53 on Monday January 25.

Photo by Paul Furber.

 

 

 

 

 

Supporting Blog Action Day

I don’t have a lot to say about Climate Change that hasn’t been said already. It’s a complex topic with many smart people arguing all the bits of it.

What I will say is this: if anyone needs to be convinced that we are fucking up the earth, just look at a traffic jam, or a landfill, or a shanty town. The disaster we are making for ourselves is obvious, and to hide behind intellectualisation is a cheap trick. The plans and proposals before the UN are far too small to make a lasting difference at this stage, but they’re something.

So for what it’s worth, I’m adding my voice to the fray in the hopes that common sense, if not scientific knowledge, will inspire us all to behave differently.

Woolworths, bastards, Woolworths

Yeah, right...
 
My ongoing hatred for the people who manage Woolworth's stock distribution
continues. If you can't actually figure out how to get groceries onto the
shelves perhaps it's best not to rent giant retail space, erect trendy
neo-industrial shelving, screed your floors till they shine like the bonnet
of a newly waxed Ferrari and invite unsuspecting consumers to depend on you
for their masticationary needs.
 
Today it was the turn of tinned lentils, tinned chickpeas, tinned corn --
and about 50 other products I can't recall. Perhaps Woolworths should
consider sub-letting their shelf space to colonies of industrious rodents
who could hawk some basic necessities while Woolworths figures out how to do
so themselves. They seem very talented in packaging White Austrian Fava Bean
Salad with a Chianti and Ground Organic Sugar Vinaigrette. That they can
stock. That they can sort out.
 
But try and lay your hands on a packet of, I dunno, oats. Or corn. And who
knows. Maybe you'll just have to swan on over to one of those other
retailers who have spent less on the upmarket décor and short focal length
photos of bruschetta with olive tapenade. And more on actually getting the
godforsaken groceries onto the godforsaken shelves.

Cave

Ultimately Apple took my soul. After years of fighting it with every imaginable other brand, I gave in and bought this little piece of paradise.

 Now to face the horror of iTunes...